Today was different. You could see it in her eyes.
This was about the fifth of our sessions on the women’s unit at the jail on healing life’s hurts. Julie had spent the last 30 years in and out of jail. Until today, Julie was the joker in the group, making everyone laugh, coming out with the one-liners, no matter how serious the topic.
But not today.
She walked in, turned her chair so that her back was toward us, and she said she was ready.
Dead silence.
And then, in a slow, keening wail - she started. “He was two. His name was Joey. I loved him so much.”
Haltingly, between huge sobs and gulps of breath, she shared that when she came home from work that day, she ran in as always, and hugged and kissed him and told him how much she missed him. She had been to the drycleaners on her way home, so she hung up her newly cleaned jacket, and went to get a cup of coffee. Her younger sister had been babysitting him while she was at work.
It was her sister who came in to the kitchen to tell her – Joey was not breathing.
After racing to his room, the awful realization immediately sunk in – Joey was dead!
He had suffocated on the plastic bag from the drycleaners which Julie had casually thrown on the bed.
In an instant, her life changed. From that moment on, she said, nothing else mattered. She had killed her own son – she couldn’t get it out of her mind – ever! The torture was more than she could bear. The only time she could ever forget, even momentarily, was when she was blitzed out on alcohol.
And then she discovered drugs – even better! It lasted longer. And so began her 30 year descent – in and out of jail – in and out of reality. She didn’t care – there was no reason to live anyway. She had never, ever told a single soul what had happened that day. She never, ever talked about it.
Until today. She cried loud, heaving sobs and all the other inmates cried with her. They held her in loving, understanding silence.
Julie was released from jail shortly after that – she has never returned. That was three years ago. I’m rooting for you, Julie. Happy Easter
Irene Baker, CSJ