July 24 celebrates the role of grandparents and elderly persons in our world. I solicited the help of three grandmothers and one grandfather to learn more about their experiences as grandparents. What joys did they identify? How did they, their children, and grandchildren benefit from these relationships? What burdens were involved in being a grandparent? Did these grandparents have any recommendations or advice to offer first-time grandparents?
Grandparents take great joy in their relationships with their grandchildren. A few examples of their comments are:
“What a joy when a grandchild [infant] smiles and squeals with delight when they see you.”
“I love their phone call or texts to ask how I am or to seek advice.”
“It is wonderful to experience your children being parents; you see a new dimension in their personality.”
“Playdays and sleep-overs. We made blanket forts, did dress-ups, had tea parties, and created and performed skits. We taught them how to cook simple foods.”
“My heart is full when they run up to give a hug or hold my hand.”
My consultants reported many benefits of their roles - for themselves, their children, and their grandchildren. Some of these were:
“Being able to pass on family traditions, history and wisdom to grandchildren,”
“An opportunity for an enriched life and for being needed as one retires and grows older.”
“Being around grandchildren who are thriving offers hope for the future, a lens to observe what is important to a younger generation, an opportunity to see human beings develop from helpless, dependent infants into competent, capable, and well-adjusted young adults.”
“Parents receive support of many kinds, such as trusted childcare, babysitting, sick child relief, financial help, and advice when difficulties arise. “
The wise grandparents who responded to my request also identified some burdens. For example:
One couple noted that when their children have ongoing health issues there exists instability and challenges for the grandchildren.
One grandmother stated: “I always worry when grandchildren demonstrate behaviours that are not very healthy”.
Another grandmother noted that at times the parents' demands seem excessive, e.g., full-time childcare, financial help, or other matters at a time when one grows older and has less energy.
Differing ideas and beliefs about children’s needs, rules, gifts, and routines within the imperative of respecting parents’ wishes can be a source of distress.
It is difficult to create bonds with grandchildren who live in other cities.
And yet, despite difficulties and burdens, one grandmother commented: “The gift of grandchildren surpasses any negative experiences. I always feel blessed to have them.”
Some additional comments & advice from the Grandparents:
Respect the parents’ wishes
Love your grandchildren
Model honest, open communication. Foster compassion and forgiveness in relationships.
Provide experiences to grandchildren in place of material gifts
Contribute to or open a Registered Educational Savings Plan (RESP) for the grandchildren. These are lasting gifts!
Fair and equal are not the same thing; some grandchildren or their parents may need more support than others.
The heart-warming responses from grandparents illustrate their importance in our society. We need to acknowledge their contributions to the health and welfare of our children.
May all of us, on July 24 - and all year, honour the grandparents and elderly people who pass on love and wisdom to the next generation.
-Sister Patricia McKeon, csj